Perseverance

How is it that I can feel such hope and dread at the exact same time? Is there a word that describes this particular feeling?

It’s amazing what new information can completely sway my mood and make me start dreaming and believing that it will work this time. I can envision it perfectly - all of it aligning and coming together at the exact right moment. That’s half of my brain…

The other half sees how many times it has gone wrong - and I can picture myself the moment I know it didn’t work - and I know right now exactly how I’ll feel - because I’ve felt it so many times before. I think back to this moment of intense hope and possibility and despise it. I’ll be crushed once again.

I guess it’s a testament to our resilience that I can feel this hope and excitement at all - again and again and again. I feel like on some gut level it is for my own survival - however thinly I’m holding onto it - but I know if I let go I won’t be able to do this at all. I’m sure many of you out there know exactly what I’m talking about.

Hope and possibility are serene places to be. I’m going to enjoy it while it’s here.