Pause

Sometimes I try to figure out why I occasionally have long stretches between writing, and my latest theory is that I’ve been too focused on just being, doing, or taking in information to put forth my thoughts into words. It’s a state of mind I wrestle with - it feels too much like the process of shopping for food before you get to experiment with cooking it - the annoying necessity that precedes the creative process.

In short, I’m always happy when it’s over.

But I have been busy doing just that - living life, fully settled into the belly of my school break - witnessing the official start of summer as we made our way (with the rest of New England) to Cape Cod last weekend to splash our toes in the bay and complain about the pollen that covers every surface this time of year. I spent an afternoon literally watching the grass grow (my in-laws have a newly-planted lawn) savoring the feel of the start of summer.

I’m sure I’ll think back to this time and remember how we learned we created a new life just as new life was emerging all around us. This earthy-Taurus revels in all the grounded-earthy signs that surround this pregnancy - the moon’s influence, the timing with Spring.

I feel torn between wanting to bottle up this anticipation - this looking forward to having my life change forever, and wanting to skip it all together and just start our new life as parents, already.  This is the phase I’m in: dualities abound. I want to become a parent so badly/I’m completely terrified to become a parent to someone FOREVER.  I’m feeling positive about the pregnancy/I’m terrified something will go wrong. Etc., etc.

I know all of these feelings are common and have been felt before.  But not by me.  I’ve become caretaker-of-all-trades - making sure E. eats well and takes care of herself, and running around keeping our house, and ourselves together while E. feels completely exhausted and sick.  We both have our jobs to do - E. is growing life and I’m picking up slack - I guess 6 years of equal and respectful partnership is serving us well, and will hopefully continue to do so when we start parenting.  Not to say that it’s easy, but I have to laugh when I get the weekly pregnancy emails that say things like “dads can help mom by occasionally helping with the dishes,” etc. Um, wow.

Here’s to stubborn positiveness, emerging life, and enjoying the creative mind as it rests and breaths as needed.