The good, the bad, the wonderful

I’ve been a volleyball of emotions lately, bouncing from one extreme to the other and back again.  On the good - we had a great visit with E.’s family, and I saw the area with new eyes, picturing living there for the first time.  On Sunday I visited the local UU service and really enjoyed it.  I fell in love with our new nephew, who is so completely precious and cute I just can’t stand it.  I feel so blessed at E.’s parents’ offer to put us up when we first move there so we can get on our feet.  I’m a bit nervous at what so much Fox news blaring in the background will do to my psyche, but I’ll figure out how to deal.

On the bad - my aunt who was battling breast cancer for a long, long time passed away over the weekend.  Although not completely unexpected, it hit me hard.  She was only in her 40’s and had 2 middle-school-aged children.   I just kept thinking about them, her husband, my dad, and everyone, and was near-tears all weekend.  The funeral is this weekend - so we are on road again.

This makes my second aunt claimed by breast cancer at a young age.   Another aunt currently has ovarian cancer.  One of E.’s aunts has breast cancer.  I feel surrounded by the possibility of untimely death - like if we breath the wrong way we’ll catch this cruel disease  (that actually might not even be too far off).  Mostly I feel angry and powerless to give back these young kids, these brothers and sisters, these parents - the beautiful women they deserve.

On the wonderful - the ultra-sound was yesterday, and again I was teary but thankfully for different reasons.   This new life we longed for and created together is there - and I saw all of it on the screen - happy and healthy and playing peek-a-boo with its hands.  Talk about a distraction from grief - I was so completely happy and humbled seeing those 10 little toes and fingers of our child.

It amazes me how much more fragile life seems as I get older.  Life can come - and go - so freely of its own accord that the realization of it literally feels like it stops me and takes my breath.  When did I reach Adulthood - this learning to watch life come and go and focus on both the big picture and appreciate the little things?  Either way, I’m thankful for it - it’s the only thing that keeps me sane.