Unnecessary Validations

So, my office is such that its inhabitants, with minor exceptions, are a bit obsessed with parties and gifts. Emphasis on GIFTS. As in many, and expensive. I think the term “lavish” is also appropriate here. I’ve always been a bit uncomfortable with it, and with the exception of the last two holiday seasons (I widdled down the gift-giving to doing “Secret Santas”), I dealt with it in my usual way, which is to ignore it. And complain about it occasionally. And never to the main person who drives the bulk of the over-gifting.

Hey, we can’t all work out ALL of our personal baggage by 28, right?

Anywho, this all came to a head recently when conversations were happening once I left the room about my planned baby shower. My office is a very fertile one, and we’ve had two baby showers recently, so I knew it’s just what my office does in this situation. I was a bit uncomfortable with it, particularly since E. and I had an extremely generous and full shower with our families, and I don’t feel like we really need anything for the baby at this point. But, yet again, I relied on my old habits and decided just to let it happen. My only request was that it be tacked on to our holiday party and not a separate event just for me (perhaps I’m not too comfortable with group-directed personal attention? Perhaps for another post…)

So - an incident recently occured where staff was asked yet again to pitch in for some gifts. I protested, asking us to instead re-think our office gift-giving policies in light of the holidays, two baby showers, and some staff feeling like we need to give gifts to student workers. In my email, I described that I am trying to be conscious of over-consumption this time of year, not to mention people’s personal budgets (quitting job and having baby in a few weeks, anyone??), and at the same time made mention of my discomfort of having a baby shower.

My co-workers were extremely understanding, with the exception of one person, who said in her reply that she was “so concerned to validate me as a mother the same as bio-mothers,” particularly because she is currently teaching a class on the subject. She said she wanted to make me feel “good” and “appreciated.”

Um, I actually don’t need to feel VALIDATED as a mother, thanks. And particularly not from my co-workers, most of whom I barely work with and don’t have much of a relationship with outside of work. And CERTAINLY not from anyone who thinks she need to make me feel “good,” particularly since she’s teaching a class on the topic.

But thanks for making me aware that you were thinking of me as a different kind of mother. That’s extremely helpful. And what do you know? I had NEVER even thought of that!!

And no, I didn’t say any of this to this person (sensing a trend, here?). I’m leaving this job in just a few weeks, and my mind has already left. I did talk this out with a different, very understanding co-worker, who gave me complete permission to cancel the shower. Which I did. I feel so much better.

A wise friend once warned me of the condescending/overly-PC/academic-ness of the Northeast, and I think I’ve just experienced it.