Still Struggling
14 05 2008Thanks to everyone for your kind words of support. It really helped. Since we’ve moved in with the in-laws E. and I are rarely in the house alone for a long stretch of time, so I think that has only made me hold things in more since I don’t really enjoy my in-laws hearing us argue or even just talk things out. Thankfully I can vent and sort things out to you all.
I’m struggling lately with some mama-guilt. Because of our schedules, I’m home with Mr. E. two full days and two mornings a week. I work Saturdays, and Sunday is the only day E. and I both have off together. Sunday is by far my FAVORITE day. The others - I’m not too keen on. I really don’t like being home alone with Mr. E. all day.
Enter Mama guilt. E. wishes she could be home with Mr. E full-time, but can’t. I’ve met so many moms who just love staying home - attending multiple mommy and baby groups, taking classes, going on walks, etc. I really just don’t like it. But I LOVE LOVE LOVE Mr. E, of course - which makes me slightly confused. Why does staying home with him bother me so much?
When E and I are home with him together, it’s a whole different story. We can take turns getting ready - when I’m home I wait for his morning nap to shower and get dressed. Eating is also more stressful - E pumps and leaves me bottles, and right now she is just keeping up with his demand. Sometimes when I drop him off she will want to feed him at around a certain time, so I stress out hoping he can wait and I won’t have to give him a bottle, therefore putting stress on E to then pump, which she would rather not do. I miss taking walks when I want to now that it’s nice out - Mr. E barely tolerates a stroller. I’ve tried going out to baby groups - Mr. E usually hates being in the car so he cries hard the whole time, and it just doesn’t feel worth it to me. Sometimes when I’m home and he’s fed, changed, tried to play, and is still cranky, I just don’t know what to do with him.
I feel so guilty about my feelings that I almost didn’t write this post. I fall more in love with Mr. E every day. I love that he can now smile and laugh and play, but I find myself longing for the days where he’ll have a nap schedule or can just tell me what he wants. I want to be able to drive somewhere without him crying so hard. I feel guilty about wanting to just go to work in the morning and come home to him at night - that feels enough to me - with the weekends to relax. I know in my head that there are other mothers out there who feel the same - I’ve met them - but some part of me just wants to understand why E. wants to badly to do the thing I just don’t like. I guess mothers, and parents, are just different. And they parent, and prefer parenting, in different ways.
I should be grateful that one of us does want to stay home, and hopefully someday that will be financially possible. In the meantime, thanks for listening.
i really don’t find anything in this post to feel guilty about. sparky is not even here yet and i worry about feeling as you do when you’re alone w/ mr e all day. i don’t know of any assvice to give other than to hang in there, and you will definitely adjust. everything is transitional and not really yours right now. you’re living in a space where there isn’t a lot of alone time for you, you’re working a transitional job until YOUR job comes through. you don’t get to spend much time as a whole family together, and you’re adjusting to the needs of your baby. that’s all a bit harrowing, if you ask me.
i know that this uncomfortable time will pass. hang on. and don’t feel guilty. that’s unnecessarily spent energy
thank you for being so honest here.
There is nothing wrong with not wanting to be a stay-home parent. And there is nothing to feel guilty about, either. You love him and you want to parent him, and for you that parenting takes a different form than someone else. Nothing wrong with that, just like there is no one way to put a baby to sleep or feed a baby or play with a baby, there is no one way to raise a baby.
I love my kid and I actually DO like being home with her, but I wasn’t into the baby groups and whatnot. I liked our carefree days, but I’m not going to lie, I also like her being in childcare. I get so wrapped up in making sure we have Things To Do that I stress myself out, and that sucks.
But this isn’t about me. It’s about the fact that you don’t have to want to be a stay-home parent to love your kid. You are going to teach Mr. E about the world, and one thing you will teach him is that there are many different ways to be in the world and accomplish things. You will accomplish big things and Mr. E will see them, and you will accomplish small things and Mr. E will see them.
And you will love Mr. E and he will see that 100%.
xo
I’m with you, A. I’m looking forward to the summer when I get to play SAHM, but could I do it full-time? I don’t know. I need my life. I think you are a great parent who will give Mr. E much to look up to.
I think that, even in this day and age of so many families with two parents who work full-time, there are a lot of pressures, particularly on women, about what being a mom is “supposed” to be. And it’s just not helpful. Not all parents are the same, and that is SO healthy. Wouldn’t it be strange and terribly boring for poor Mr. E if both you and E liked to do all of the same things with him? Or treated him in the exact same way? Part of the joy of having two parents is having different relationships with each, different special bonds with each, different ways of enjoying time together. Healthy, healthy, healthy. I do get it. I sometimes feel badly when other women go nutty about holding a baby. They just can’t help themselves whenever they’re near a little one. But not me. I want to be a parent. I want to be the parent of our baby. But I don’t have a lot of interest in other people’s babies if I’m not going to develop a relationship with them. If someone walks into the office with a baby I’ll see one time, I’ll smile and say “how cute” and appreciate the moment, but there is no urge for me to hold the baby. I used to feel badly about that. Like maybe I wasn’t nurturing enough or didn’t have that “motherly” instinct or that there was something else wrong with me because I’m not baby crazy. But I am realizing that it is ok, and good, to have my own way of relating. Anyone who has heard you talk about Mr E or who has seen you hold him could see immediately that you are already an amazing mother who could not love him more. And as you and he both grow, so will your relationship. You’ll figure out how the two of you fit best, and it will be just right… perfect in every way that matters to you and your son. xo
I was thinking last night about what you wrote, and second the comments above about all of the pressures around what mothering is “supposed” to be like. Feel free to disregard any of this, but I was in almost exactly your shoes a year a half ago, and it took some time to learn the ropes.
It sounds like many of the frustrations you are having now are around nursing logistics. I was home with my daughter at just Mr. E’s age, but my wife was nursing her and doing the work/pump routine. My wife worked close by, and I’d had visions of blissful walks with the baby into the office to nurse mid-day. In reality, we all found that was just added frustration. The baby is hungry when it’s hungry and it was pure misery to wait that extra half hour either to get into the office (walk with screaming baby? not so blissful), or for my wife to get home. What ended up working was making sure we had a good freezer stash so that I could feel fine feeding when it was needed, and we wouldn’t have to freak out if she ate a few more ounces than were pumped that day (we were lucky not to have supply issues). My wife would sneak in an extra pumping after the baby went to bed to make up if we were off by a bit. If we manage to have another, I’ll also try to let go of my fear of the occasional formula bottle for sanity’s sake. My wife would have been fine with it, but I was dead set against it. Another thing that was helpful was to really treat bottle feedings as meaningful. I’d give her lots of skin to skin and cuddle time at feedings and it seemed to help her get through the day happily.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. It takes time to figure out how to get through the day with an infant, and it doesn’t sound like you’ve had a lot of solo practice. The parent’s personality and age of kid make a difference, too. Being home with a baby kind of drove my wife crazy, but I ate it up. Now that we have a toddler, the roles have shifted slightly (we each take a day home per week now). My wife can apparently read the same book 50 times, but the same thing sometimes makes me want to crawl out of my skin.
A freezer stash of breastmilk is good to have as a just in case measure anyway (I almost had to go on meds thanks to an allergic reaction that I thought would be no-no’s for bfeeding and if so, we would’ve needed a freezer stash or to use formula…
I second the idea of E. building up a freezer stash and you being able to guilt-free defrost a bit. Being alone with Mr. E. and feeling like you have to stave him off when he’s hungry… as sweet as it is of you to try to save E. the pressure of having to pump… just sounds like a lot of pressure on you.
And ya know, I really wished I could be a SAHM. But I have to say, I really like day care, too. It’s a lot of pressure to take care of a baby all day, and in some ways, I think knowing he is being cared for while I get to do my work and engage my non-mommy brain helps me appreciate the time when I do get to be alone with J… just because it’s not all the time.
As others have said, there are lots of ways to be a good mom. And I’m glad you’re as self-aware as you seem to be.