Aptly Named

Since I haven’t posted anything on here since March, and it is now May, it might be obvious that I was thinking of abandoning my dear Fumbling. Indeed, I did abandon it, and you all (all 3 of you who actually read it), until now. What can I say for myself?

I was fumbling.

Fumbling around trying to just hang on with everything going on - finished up my student teaching and began staying at home with Mr. E. I had high hopes that I would post even more often once that change occurred, picturing myself cozily seated on the couch with Skeeter while the little lad slept the day through.

(All you stay-at-home moms can commence hysterical laughter now).

Uh, I was kinda busy. Like, CONSTANTLY busy and when he slept I GOT STUFF DONE because when he was awake he required ALL OF MY BEING. When I had a brake, I sat and gazed at the computer screen or TV.

Uh, I watch A LOT of TV now.

(All you stay-at-home-moms can commence your enthusiastic “uh-huhs” now).

Then, well, I just felt drained with the blog thing. Believe it or not, my life just felt too full to add blogging to it. Well, I guess that’s not quite true, since I’ve become somewhat of a F*ace*book addict, but I digress…

So, then came the BIG MOVE, which JUST HAD to occur right after my mom visited, which JUST HAD to occur right after her first chemo treatment, which she got sick from during her visit. In the midst of all our belongings packed up in boxes throughout the house. I thought she’d be there to help take care of Mr. E while we finished packing. Instead I had to take care of her. A lot. As in, had to drive to Maine to bring her home because she was sick. The DAY BEFORE our move.

We were both in a sh*tload of denial about that one.

So I was leaving a place I love, being a reluctant stay-at-home mom (more on that later I suppose), getting ready to give up having our own place, and dealing with my sick mom, who couldn’t even hold her grandson during her visit. It was all I could do to cope day-to-day and get everything done, and when I’m stressed like that I usually turn inward instead of outward.

I’m learning I need not to do this.

Same thing has been happening the past few days. We moved, and it was completely exhausting and stressful beyond belief, and until I started my summer job I was having a rough time with the lack of structure. Once I started having a place to go that was JUST MINE, even if it meant grilling up steak and cheeses, it was something. But the deli is VERY cliquish, with my co-workers 20 years older than me and native Cape Codders, and think nothing of making gay jokes right in front of me. They’ve never known anything different. They talk openly about going out on Saturdays together dancing at the local bar, without a thought to ask me (I wouldn’t go anyway). But we are of two different species: me, just washed ashore, young, queer, with my M.Ed and this deli gig just a stop on the way. Them: this is their life, period.

I just really, really want to teach.

I know it’s early, and I know it’ll happen for me eventually. But last night the faces of my kids from student teaching flashed before my eyes and I just cried. I miss them. I miss doing what I love. I CAN’T WAIT to do what I love. Sometimes it’s just hard.

Getting used to life in our new community has been both exciting and frustrating. It’s gorgeous here - things are blooming, and I LOVE our church. Even before we moved here I claimed it as my/our place to connect with this community and make our own friends. E. has lots of family, and her family has lots of friends, but as for us having our OWN friends, it comes down to nil. I thought the church community would be a great way to meet people. Last week we officially joined.

So did my mother-in-law.

Ok, I’ve REALLY tried to be open-minded and understanding about this. Obviously anyone can join or attend whatever church they wish. But I started attending this church last fall, and felt at home there. She recently learned we were joining, and wanted to join too. I think she likes it ok, but has attended just a couple of times. Let me explain. She’s the type of person that likes to join ANYTHING. There’s a famous family story that she once saw a huge line somewhere and got in it just to see what all the fuss was about. In short, she’s a JOINER.

Whatever. I can still make my own friends and get involved in my own way. But put all these things together, and I’ve been feeling a bit down lately. I found myself turning inward again, not wanting to deal with anyone, even E. Thankfully, my wife is quite observant and patient, and made me talk about it. I felt so much better. We decided that since we live with her parents, and don’t really have our own social network yet, we really have to make time for just us - either the three of us, or the two of us. I think that will really make a difference. I’m realizing I need to talk things out with her instead of retreating.

I’m also remembering I don’t do well with big transitions.

A similar experience happened when we moved to the Valley. I think I was mildly depressed for months (might have had to do with the fact that we were completely broke as well). But I’m just a stable gal - I like knowing what’s ahead - a loooong way ahead: where we live, where I work, etc. Being with E. has helped me relax a bit in this area in very healthy ways, but to some extent it’s just the way I am.

So perhaps this transition will be hard for me for some time. I think blogging about it might help, too.

Thanks for reading, whoever you 3 readers are.

Endings and Beginnings

Friday was my last day of work. Tomorrow I start student teaching, a.k.a. road to completing my degree and jump-starting my new career path. Leaving my job after 3 years was such a strange and surreal thing, and I’m still processing it. Among the many conversations between E. and I about it this weekend, she said, “Well, now it will be SO MUCH EASIER to answer people when they ask what you do!” To which I responded, “well, not really until I get my first teaching job.” E. said, “Well, you are student teaching and a grad student!” Oh ya. People ACTUALLY go to school full-time and that’s just what they do. Not thrown in there in the margins of working full-time. I forgot about that.

Just when I think baby-nesting has commenced in our house, more projects emerge. E. is little-miss-Susie-sewer and is working on creating our own handmade burp cloths (oh, why don’t we just call them puke rags like they really are?) and wipes. I never thought I’d have homemade baby wipes, and if it wasn’t for E.’s patience and determination with a sewing machine I don’t think I would! Co-sleeper is attached to the bed. Bassinett has been brought downstairs to the living room. Today I flipped through the (”alternative families”) baby book and re-arranged and took out unnecessary pages (no need for the “my egg donor” page). The bottom drawer in the kitchen whose handle fell off a long time ago and left hazardous screws sticking out has been fixed. Seriously - this baby NEEDS TO SHOW UP ALREADY so I have some distractions from all this DAMN WORK!!

Anytime, Moon. Anytime…

My Year of No Life/Full Life

2007. What a year. So many milestones, transitions, and multiple count-downs. But damn, I’m glad it’s over.

I started the year calling it my “year of no life,” as I signed up for full-time graduate school, attending 4 classes at a time on nights and weekends. It was a bit much at times, but I soon learned that I found THE BEST GRADUATE DEGREE ON EARTH, because, well, it wasn’t really that much work! (which led me to do some double-checking as to its credibility, which all checked out ok, but this recent scandal doesn’t help its reputation much). So I plowed through the excruciatingly boring and annoying 4-hour classes, and actually learned some things about teaching. All in all, it’s exactly what I wanted (thanks to E. who discovered the program!)

Career-wise, I spent the year knowing I would be leaving at the end, which is a really interesting mindset in which to go to work every day (and perhaps the longest notice I could give an employer!). I took that time to fully appreciate what I liked about this job in my 3 years here, and also solidified why I’m switching gears to go into teaching. Being able to volunteer regularly at an after-school program was such a blessing - to be able to connect with students and form a relationship with local schools.

I had the wonderful milestone of my 10-year high school reunion, and took a solo trip to my hometown to see close friends as well as classmates I hadn’t seen in the full 10 years. It was an amazing experience to re-connect with these people who shared a great 4 years together (we have some intense school pride), and it felt really cool in a growing-up-come-full-circle kinda way.

Then came the news in May that forever changed our lives, that our 2+ years of trying for project baby ACTUALLY WORKED. I think I was in shock for the first few months, and then I let it sink in how extremely happy I was to finally create our family. It also started to sink in how much our lives are about to change, and leaving 2007 means leaving the “just the 2 of us” portion of our lives together (6 years). It’s a big change, but one we are both so ready for, and going into it we know our incredible bond will get us through all the midnight crying, the dirty diapers, and the years of watching in awe as our child grows up into his/her own person.

Perhaps because of all these huge life changes, I also spent some introspective time thinking more about community, connecting and giving to others, and my own spirituality. This is still in process, of course, but one thing I discovered is a deep connection to a church on the Cape where we’ll be moving next June, which seems like it will be a starting point for all three needs.

Moving! Right! 2007 also brought with it the BIG DECISION to move closer to E.’s family, perhaps the first decision in my life which feels completely grounded in this visceral need to be connected to family and to provide that for our child(ren). In other words, I feel SO FREAK’IN GROWN UP. And that is a WHOLE LOT about what 2007 meant for me. BIG transitions, BIG decisions, and BIG growth.

There was a year that E. and I coin the “nothing” year. When we count back to try to remember something and we hit this year (2002), our minds just go blank. We figured out it’s because in that year we didn’t move, switch jobs, or make any BIG decisions. We just were. Day in, day out, just lived. I’m sure that 2007 will be just the opposite, a very BIG year that laid the groundwork for the whopper 2008 promises to be, what with arrival of BABY, the BIG MOVE, and work transitions abound.

Bring it on.

Wishing you new inspiration, hope and promise of a fantastic new year.

I love you, job that allows me to get my coursework done…

The perfect constellation* of nearing the end of my job and nearing vacation has afforded me ample time to wrap-up my thesis, as well as get some other papers polished and printed. Yae for chill jobs! I CAN’T IMAGINE doing this program while teaching, let alone while having a newborn at home. Again - a perfect constellation of timing, and for that I am so grateful.

Because of all this productivity for school, I’m awarding myself evenings filled with reading, which makes me so, so happy. Recent favs include Middlesex and Catcher in the Rye, the latter being part of my quest to read classics I somehow overlooked while in school, which after reading this realized that’s the exact moment these kind of books should be read. It was alright, but reading gave me the sense of needing to stop in certain sections and have a class discussion on some deeper meaning I was most likely missing. Ah well, I guess I can at least appreciate it for its shocking and “banned-book” status.

Right now I’m in the middle of Eat, Pray, Love, which is a bit of a challenge for me because it’s a memoir, and I’m a bit more into narrative at this point. But the author is witty and interesting, which are required traits for writers of memoirs. It also helps that she writes about food, spirituality and finding oneself, all topics I’m into. A bonus is that I learned that my bestest bud, who lives across the pond, is currently reading it as well, and I can’t wait to discuss certain parts of the book with her, one of our favorite activities.

I’m happy. My scrooge-like fog has lifted, which I think was a combination of PMS (damn, those mood swings keep happening EVERY MONTH!) and the fact that this string of life-changing events is finally about to be tied in its nice, neat little bow. Even a month ago, when the mountain of work on my thesis lay before me, and I had weeks (now 11 days!) of work left, and the holidays had to be dealt with - the string was a mess and I looked at it with disgust. Then I picked it up, organized the hell out of it, and began to tie. First the big loop, then around with the other end and through the whole. Within the next few weeks I’ll be done with my job, done with school, starting to student-teach, and the baby will soon be with us, and two bows will be tied together so pretty and neat and snug.

It’s been a long time com’in, but now it’s here.

*The first time I published this post, I realized I had written “constipation,” a word which I swear I have no idea why my mind told my fingers to type.

Unnecessary Validations

So, my office is such that its inhabitants, with minor exceptions, are a bit obsessed with parties and gifts. Emphasis on GIFTS. As in many, and expensive. I think the term “lavish” is also appropriate here. I’ve always been a bit uncomfortable with it, and with the exception of the last two holiday seasons (I widdled down the gift-giving to doing “Secret Santas”), I dealt with it in my usual way, which is to ignore it. And complain about it occasionally. And never to the main person who drives the bulk of the over-gifting.

Hey, we can’t all work out ALL of our personal baggage by 28, right?

Anywho, this all came to a head recently when conversations were happening once I left the room about my planned baby shower. My office is a very fertile one, and we’ve had two baby showers recently, so I knew it’s just what my office does in this situation. I was a bit uncomfortable with it, particularly since E. and I had an extremely generous and full shower with our families, and I don’t feel like we really need anything for the baby at this point. But, yet again, I relied on my old habits and decided just to let it happen. My only request was that it be tacked on to our holiday party and not a separate event just for me (perhaps I’m not too comfortable with group-directed personal attention? Perhaps for another post…)

So - an incident recently occured where staff was asked yet again to pitch in for some gifts. I protested, asking us to instead re-think our office gift-giving policies in light of the holidays, two baby showers, and some staff feeling like we need to give gifts to student workers. In my email, I described that I am trying to be conscious of over-consumption this time of year, not to mention people’s personal budgets (quitting job and having baby in a few weeks, anyone??), and at the same time made mention of my discomfort of having a baby shower.

My co-workers were extremely understanding, with the exception of one person, who said in her reply that she was “so concerned to validate me as a mother the same as bio-mothers,” particularly because she is currently teaching a class on the subject. She said she wanted to make me feel “good” and “appreciated.”

Um, I actually don’t need to feel VALIDATED as a mother, thanks. And particularly not from my co-workers, most of whom I barely work with and don’t have much of a relationship with outside of work. And CERTAINLY not from anyone who thinks she need to make me feel “good,” particularly since she’s teaching a class on the topic.

But thanks for making me aware that you were thinking of me as a different kind of mother. That’s extremely helpful. And what do you know? I had NEVER even thought of that!!

And no, I didn’t say any of this to this person (sensing a trend, here?). I’m leaving this job in just a few weeks, and my mind has already left. I did talk this out with a different, very understanding co-worker, who gave me complete permission to cancel the shower. Which I did. I feel so much better.

A wise friend once warned me of the condescending/overly-PC/academic-ness of the Northeast, and I think I’ve just experienced it.

Where a small dose of OCD comes in handy…

Countdowns: let’s recap:

11 more classes ’till I’m done with this semester

21 more days of working at my job

27 more days until Christmas

40 more days ’till I start my student teaching

57 more days until the baby is due

My mind is a never-ending ticking clock (I almost just typed “clicking tock”) and while it lives in the future, my body remains in the present.  Thankfully my sedentary haze has lifted and I’m exercising again.  So while I leave my body behind daily, at least I’m taking care of it again.  And I even worked out using E.’s ipod for the first time after resisting for so long a device that keeps us obsessively attached to our own inner world rather than our surroundings.  But just like the cell phone, I couldn’t escape the giddy excitement of new technology, nor the fact that walking briskly around a track like a hamster for a half hour listening to the intermittent grunts of tennis players tends to drive one completely bonkers.  I suppose there are some instances where plugging into your own digital music archive can be useful (my wife will NEVER let me hear the end of this, by the way).

Lift Huge Weight Off Shoulders: Ease Gently Down

I met with a local teacher yesterday in the hopes that she’ll welcome in me, a complete stranger (well, I do go to school with her co-worker) into her classroom full-time for 13 weeks.  She said yes.  Bless her.

I feel so utterly relieved to have my student-teaching set up I feel like prancing.  Turns out, unlike every other teacher in this area, she does not have 15,678 helpers each day in her classroom, and sees the benefit of having me there to help, and is even into evaluating me when I do a few lessons on my own.  Few.  And I even forgot to tell her she gets a free 3-credit class out of the deal!

Something funny happened in the conversation, though.  I’m not quite sure how it happened - first I was explaining how I’d be needing to take a week off at the end of January when the baby comes, and the next thing I know we are talking about chlomid and injectibles and the stress of TTC for so long.  Turns out she and her husband tried a long time before they conceived their twin boys, who are now grown.  To put it mildly, she’s quite friendly, and although I felt a bit exposed at sharing all this stuff with someone I had just met, she seemed to view it as just getting to know one another.  Whatever.

Now crossing huge, monstrous thing off my “to do” list = giddiness.  In addition, E. and I both have today to sit at home and DO NOTHING.  We’re owed this BIG TIME since we were out all weekend.  Super-fantabulous YAE.

Hello, end of rope

A wise blogger once cautioned against blogging too much about work. I get that the reasons are very real, and therefore have tried to keep my ranting to a minimum here. Oh, but it is hard, dear friends, to ignore that part of my life which takes up about 35 hours per week (on a bad week) and makes me practice things I don’t like, such as holding back hysterical laughter at serious moments and acting like I still have even an ounce of care remaining in my body. Daily challenges I’m thankful for, because without them, I’d have none.

Perhaps I should see this as a skill-development opportunity, for surely these important skills in self-control and appearing industrious will come in useful in some future of mine.

Here’s what I’ve gained, and will continue to perfect in the next 7 (!) weeks:

- As stated above, a keen ability to hold back fits of laughter when certain office personalities persistently keep fulfilling the roles I’ve secretly assigned to them

- A heightened awareness of who to seek out as allies in the office for necessary venting

- A renewed respect for humility, and the ability of an organization to appropriately, realistically, and in moderation, toot its own horn

- A refined ability to look like I’m working when I’m really posting

Not necessarily the skill list I’ll use on my resume, but helpful nevertheless. Amazingly I continue my knack for always seeing some positives in any situation (insert pat on back).

-Necessary venting commenced-

Malaise

malaise \muh-LAYZ; -LEZ\, noun:
1. A vague feeling of discomfort in the body, as at the onset of illness.
2. A general feeling of depression or unease.

One of the possible side effects of the flu shot I received today.  I think I’m possibly afflicted.

This job was like an unexpected house guest - not at all what you were planning on, but nevertheless carried its share of good moments.  But I’m done.  Fini.  Over it.  That flu shot I got today?  That was the highlight of my day, because it enabled me to do something other than STARE AT MY COMPUTER SCREEN attempting to play mind tricks on myself to inject some - ANY - amount of motivation.  I feel I’ve experienced and re-defined B-O-R-I-N-G to many new levels.  It boggles the mind what office workers did before the Internet to keep themselves sane - I’m guessing following that train of thought would lead us to the invention of the modern-day flask.

Whether flu shot or workplace induced, my “malaise” is lifted instantly when I think about yesterday’s time at the after school program, where 2.5 hours flew by like 5 minutes.  Every interaction, whether through play or homework or idle conversation, felt like an opportunity for learning, for understanding, and for caring.  All of it felt REAL to me.  Exhausting, yes, but REAL.

8 more weeks and counting.

Truth & Objectivity

Since a position has opened up in my office, a couple of my acquaintances on campus have mentioned wanting to talk to me about applying for the job.  I’m having lunch with one on Monday to talk about it.  I’m not sure at all what I’m going to say - the same situation happened recently with another position we were hiring for, and I found myself being asked by another acquaintance if I thought she should apply.

I truly wish I could just put up a sign in front of my face that said “Closed for Advice.”   I’ve spent a lot of time figuring out (not alone - you know who you are!) what exactly irks me about this place, to the point that I feel I could write a thesis on it, equipped with graphs, diagrams, and extreme detail in the effect of subpoints of subpoints.  But as I look back on my 3 years here, it wasn’t that bad of a job.  I had some great political epiphanies, met some truly wonderful people, was inspired, and even perfected some professional skills that will help me out in the future.  On the other hand, I harbor some intense ethical problems with how the place operates and treats its employees.  I’ve noted some fundamental traits of the organizational makeup that confirm it’s just not the place for me.  I clash greatly with some of the personalities.

So what do I have to say to someone thinking of applying to work here?  My greatest fear is to do a disservice to someone for whom working here would be a perfect fit.  But I also fear neglecting to share my experience and risking someone going through the same realizations I did.  I find it hard to see the positions and organization as a whole objectively in order to give my opinion as to whether or not someone should apply.

I feel stuck.  Perhaps I should just focus on the concrete parts of the job and organization to offer the people trying to decide if they should apply (you know, the stuff everyone would agree on), and hold back my in-depth analysis of what its downfalls are.  After all, most organizations have their negative points, and everything is a work in progress.   I’m just seeing them, on my way out, so clearly that it’s hard to be objective.  But I’ll try.