Where a small dose of OCD comes in handy…

Countdowns: let’s recap:

11 more classes ’till I’m done with this semester

21 more days of working at my job

27 more days until Christmas

40 more days ’till I start my student teaching

57 more days until the baby is due

My mind is a never-ending ticking clock (I almost just typed “clicking tock”) and while it lives in the future, my body remains in the present.  Thankfully my sedentary haze has lifted and I’m exercising again.  So while I leave my body behind daily, at least I’m taking care of it again.  And I even worked out using E.’s ipod for the first time after resisting for so long a device that keeps us obsessively attached to our own inner world rather than our surroundings.  But just like the cell phone, I couldn’t escape the giddy excitement of new technology, nor the fact that walking briskly around a track like a hamster for a half hour listening to the intermittent grunts of tennis players tends to drive one completely bonkers.  I suppose there are some instances where plugging into your own digital music archive can be useful (my wife will NEVER let me hear the end of this, by the way).

Lift Huge Weight Off Shoulders: Ease Gently Down

I met with a local teacher yesterday in the hopes that she’ll welcome in me, a complete stranger (well, I do go to school with her co-worker) into her classroom full-time for 13 weeks.  She said yes.  Bless her.

I feel so utterly relieved to have my student-teaching set up I feel like prancing.  Turns out, unlike every other teacher in this area, she does not have 15,678 helpers each day in her classroom, and sees the benefit of having me there to help, and is even into evaluating me when I do a few lessons on my own.  Few.  And I even forgot to tell her she gets a free 3-credit class out of the deal!

Something funny happened in the conversation, though.  I’m not quite sure how it happened - first I was explaining how I’d be needing to take a week off at the end of January when the baby comes, and the next thing I know we are talking about chlomid and injectibles and the stress of TTC for so long.  Turns out she and her husband tried a long time before they conceived their twin boys, who are now grown.  To put it mildly, she’s quite friendly, and although I felt a bit exposed at sharing all this stuff with someone I had just met, she seemed to view it as just getting to know one another.  Whatever.

Now crossing huge, monstrous thing off my “to do” list = giddiness.  In addition, E. and I both have today to sit at home and DO NOTHING.  We’re owed this BIG TIME since we were out all weekend.  Super-fantabulous YAE.

Hello, end of rope

A wise blogger once cautioned against blogging too much about work. I get that the reasons are very real, and therefore have tried to keep my ranting to a minimum here. Oh, but it is hard, dear friends, to ignore that part of my life which takes up about 35 hours per week (on a bad week) and makes me practice things I don’t like, such as holding back hysterical laughter at serious moments and acting like I still have even an ounce of care remaining in my body. Daily challenges I’m thankful for, because without them, I’d have none.

Perhaps I should see this as a skill-development opportunity, for surely these important skills in self-control and appearing industrious will come in useful in some future of mine.

Here’s what I’ve gained, and will continue to perfect in the next 7 (!) weeks:

- As stated above, a keen ability to hold back fits of laughter when certain office personalities persistently keep fulfilling the roles I’ve secretly assigned to them

- A heightened awareness of who to seek out as allies in the office for necessary venting

- A renewed respect for humility, and the ability of an organization to appropriately, realistically, and in moderation, toot its own horn

- A refined ability to look like I’m working when I’m really posting

Not necessarily the skill list I’ll use on my resume, but helpful nevertheless. Amazingly I continue my knack for always seeing some positives in any situation (insert pat on back).

-Necessary venting commenced-

Malaise

malaise \muh-LAYZ; -LEZ\, noun:
1. A vague feeling of discomfort in the body, as at the onset of illness.
2. A general feeling of depression or unease.

One of the possible side effects of the flu shot I received today.  I think I’m possibly afflicted.

This job was like an unexpected house guest - not at all what you were planning on, but nevertheless carried its share of good moments.  But I’m done.  Fini.  Over it.  That flu shot I got today?  That was the highlight of my day, because it enabled me to do something other than STARE AT MY COMPUTER SCREEN attempting to play mind tricks on myself to inject some - ANY - amount of motivation.  I feel I’ve experienced and re-defined B-O-R-I-N-G to many new levels.  It boggles the mind what office workers did before the Internet to keep themselves sane - I’m guessing following that train of thought would lead us to the invention of the modern-day flask.

Whether flu shot or workplace induced, my “malaise” is lifted instantly when I think about yesterday’s time at the after school program, where 2.5 hours flew by like 5 minutes.  Every interaction, whether through play or homework or idle conversation, felt like an opportunity for learning, for understanding, and for caring.  All of it felt REAL to me.  Exhausting, yes, but REAL.

8 more weeks and counting.

Truth & Objectivity

Since a position has opened up in my office, a couple of my acquaintances on campus have mentioned wanting to talk to me about applying for the job.  I’m having lunch with one on Monday to talk about it.  I’m not sure at all what I’m going to say - the same situation happened recently with another position we were hiring for, and I found myself being asked by another acquaintance if I thought she should apply.

I truly wish I could just put up a sign in front of my face that said “Closed for Advice.”   I’ve spent a lot of time figuring out (not alone - you know who you are!) what exactly irks me about this place, to the point that I feel I could write a thesis on it, equipped with graphs, diagrams, and extreme detail in the effect of subpoints of subpoints.  But as I look back on my 3 years here, it wasn’t that bad of a job.  I had some great political epiphanies, met some truly wonderful people, was inspired, and even perfected some professional skills that will help me out in the future.  On the other hand, I harbor some intense ethical problems with how the place operates and treats its employees.  I’ve noted some fundamental traits of the organizational makeup that confirm it’s just not the place for me.  I clash greatly with some of the personalities.

So what do I have to say to someone thinking of applying to work here?  My greatest fear is to do a disservice to someone for whom working here would be a perfect fit.  But I also fear neglecting to share my experience and risking someone going through the same realizations I did.  I find it hard to see the positions and organization as a whole objectively in order to give my opinion as to whether or not someone should apply.

I feel stuck.  Perhaps I should just focus on the concrete parts of the job and organization to offer the people trying to decide if they should apply (you know, the stuff everyone would agree on), and hold back my in-depth analysis of what its downfalls are.  After all, most organizations have their negative points, and everything is a work in progress.   I’m just seeing them, on my way out, so clearly that it’s hard to be objective.  But I’ll try.

Accomplished

Much has been done lately in the “to do” list category (and there are indeed multiple lists).  These include:

- Our first meeting with our doula

- Acquiring legal paperwork for our name change (now onto all the other places where we have to change it)

- Getting a crib and changing table from a co-worker

- Setting up an appointment with a lawyer to go over wills and adoption stuff

- Decide on a pediatrician/Dr.

- In the school/career list: asking teachers about my practicum, meeting with a career counselor about my resume

- Begin cleaning out unecessary and excess clothing and furniture before baby arrives to prepare for moving next year

I’m feeling very accomplished lately, but also extremely BUSY.  Somehow I’ve managed to still pleasure-read (as opposed to reading for school), and am enjoying a long-overdue re-read of To Kill a Mockingbird, one of my middle school favorites.  Balance is my mantra.

I’m also EXTREMELY happy that fall has decided to visit again, and I’m hoping this time it’s for good.  The ladies disappeared with the 80-degree heat, thankfully, so we didn’t have to do any extermination, which I wanted to avoid. Onto wearing new sweaters - YAE!

Caught up in the Future

I just realized I only have 10 more weeks working in this job.  Woe.

I’m spending my time trying to figure out if it’s just inevitable to be completely checked out mentally when the end of your job is nearing.  I suppose 10 weeks isn’t all that long to be checked out - I just have to get through my last workshop next week and then I won’t have to present on political stuff anymore that I’m just not that into.  Super-yae.

So, this makes yet another countdown in my life - I’ve etched in the number of weeks to go in my planner.  This ending-of-work countdown, plus the gazillion baby-countdowns I look at each week (my planner, the online ticker, the two weekly emails plus the other two sites I look at each week, the one on my blog, the 3 calendars in our kitchen, and the countdown BY THE DAY book in our living room) is enough to make me feel JUST A BIT OCD.   Enough already.  It’s really not doing much for any effort to try to live in the moment, if you know what I mean.  But - it’s just so hard when future moments look so much more appealing than current ones…

Speaking of current moments, these two back-to-back night classes are really wearing on my sanity, and thankfully my classmates are hilarious and entertain me throughout the grueling 4 hours. Just 10 more weeks to go of them and I’ll be DONE!  See, there I go again…

I’m over it

It seems I’ve moved past the stage of whining and groaning about my fall that has me scheduled up to my ears and am now diving head-first into it all with my planner always at my side and a good dose of “it will all be over with in a mere 3 months.” Classes have started and I’m excited about some of them, and also excited to catch up with all of my classmates. Some started this crazy journey with me in January, on the 1.3-year track, and will graduate beside me in May, so it all feels pretty cool that it’s coming to the end.

Setting up my student-teaching for next Spring is proving to be kind of tricky, so I’m glad I’ve started the process early. I’m on a pretty tight schedule - trying to start it in February and time it perfectly during E.’s maternity leave, without any gaps so I can take over childcare when she goes back. Finagling both my program and a teacher to work with might be difficult, but I’m banking on it working out. I need to find out more information on what exactly my program requires of it.

Work is…a challenge to say the least. But I’m trying, in the midst of having to endure work-related conversations where I SO don’t care that on the care scale? I’d be in the negative. So I think my strategy should be to focus on the positives about this job and stick to that. I find that whenever compelled to offer my opinion about something, it comes out sounding so jaded and negative that I watch in horror as the words come stumbling out, then promise to myself I’ll try harder to keep retreating from any unnecessary input. It doesn’t do anyone else any good, particularly if they are the sort to be all chipper and bouncy about work-stuff. Ugh.

Since I’ve been so busy, I’ve been so exhausted, and before I had schoolwork to do I turned on the TV one night to see what the world watches. So I watched and episode of H*roes, and then Ch*ck. I didn’t care for the first, too much drama and too much violence, and just all in all too involved (why I usually don’t care for dramas). I liked Ch*ck better, I think because the character was young and cute and it involved computer stuff, but it still incorporated real-life downers like buildings blowing up and such. BOTH shows infiltrated my dreams over the course of the next few nights - in one dream I was an immigrant mom picked up by these cops who insisted on shoving plastic bags over my two babies, then I was detained in a prison where I spent a lot of mental energy plotting exactly what to say to the person who would be my only phone call, which happened to be my supervisor in real life. Then I had a dream about a building about to blow up. Um - my dreams can get pretty hairy as it is - so I figure I don’t need any more help in that department. No more prime time for me (what ever happened to the good ‘ole fashioned SITCOM? You know - funny, wraps up at the end, filmed in front of a live studio audience, etc? Call me when those come back on).

“It’s just that time of year when we push ourselves ahead…”

The students are back on campus and I’m noticing more and more how much I love this time of year.  They’re all back in their new fall clothes looking their best, and dropping by to tell us, wide-eyed and all-smiles, about their summer adventures.  I had no idea how much I missed their energy (I was SO glad to see them go last May) until they come back to reclaim this place that’s theirs for 4 important years.  I find myself whistling as I walk around the building, wondering as I turn the corner which face I’ll see again.  Their stories are filled with internships all over the country described by them as “life changing” and  “amazing,” and I remember that feeling of being a constant sponge to new experiences, new places, new people.  This is what I love about growing older: if you surround yourself with young people, you can never really forget your past.

And either because of this influx of energy, or that I’m already practicing being on a teacher schedule, when the day after Labor Day hit it’s like a switch went off inside me and I can focus on work again.  I won’t lie, everything about working this summer - the near-empty office, the slowing down of work, the beach days outside -  left me barely able to get any work done.  The fall feels compeletly different - and it’s really great.  Everyone else seems more focussed too - and with students dropping by the sense of why we are here on this campus doing what we do just feels clearer.  It feels good to feel accomplished again - not only with work but with preparing to start fall classes and getting baby-related stuff in order.

I love the cycle of summer relaxing followed by fall focusing - it feels natural for our lives to be somewhat seasonal - or perhaps that’s just me excited to go into teaching.  But as I get older I notice that I appreciate more scheduled ways to mark the passing of time - a need much like Tuesday night bingo might serve when I’m 80.  It feels so very comforting and predictable, and I love it.

That’s me - comfortable and predictable.  Unless I decide to change careers, have a baby, and move to a different place all at the same time.  Shaking things up a bit is always good, too.

Dear Motivation

Dear Motivation,

I know we’ve had somewhat of a checkered past, but I’m calling on you now to grace me with your presence from the hours of 8:30 - 4:30, Monday - Friday for the next 5 months.  We’ve parted ways recently, and have not so much as written a letter to one  another, but I think it in both of our best interests to rekindle this relationship.

Don’t get me wrong - you’ve been an excellent companion to me in so many other ways, particularly to get through the various aches and moans of graduate school. You have also never left my side when the house is a disaster and must be cleaned, and you certainly have never wavered when I wanted to finish the last HP book (though I doubt I really needed your services for that task anyway).

But you really have jumped ship as far as my work days go - I have a distant memory of you as I surf the internet and chat with friends online.  What gives?  Don’t you realize I need you now the most? Even if you were to visit me just half the day, it would be a great improvement.

Motivation - I beg of you: please use your magical powers and return to me.  I promise I’ll be nice to you and follow your lead and get lots of productive things done.  If there’s any time I’ve needed you the most, now’s the time.

Sincerely,

A