Comments for Fumbling on Track

Comment on Remembering Myself by ohchicken

ohchicken — Sat, 17 May 2008 19:27:12 +0000

this is achingly beautiful. you are quite the writer, my friend. i hope we get to meet one day.

Comment on Remembering Myself by Lo

Lo — Sat, 17 May 2008 14:10:45 +0000

So glad you’re rediscovering yourself, A. I know *exactly* what you mean about the TV and I go through similar phases.

What’s the Northampton movie?

Comment on Still Struggling by Co

Co — Fri, 16 May 2008 14:40:54 +0000

A freezer stash of breastmilk is good to have as a just in case measure anyway (I almost had to go on meds thanks to an allergic reaction that I thought would be no-no’s for bfeeding and if so, we would’ve needed a freezer stash or to use formula… I second the idea of E. building up a freezer stash and you being able to guilt-free defrost a bit. Being alone with Mr. E. and feeling like you have to stave him off when he’s hungry… as sweet as it is of you to try to save E. the pressure of having to pump… just sounds like a lot of pressure on you.

And ya know, I really wished I could be a SAHM. But I have to say, I really like day care, too. It’s a lot of pressure to take care of a baby all day, and in some ways, I think knowing he is being cared for while I get to do my work and engage my non-mommy brain helps me appreciate the time when I do get to be alone with J… just because it’s not all the time.

As others have said, there are lots of ways to be a good mom. And I’m glad you’re as self-aware as you seem to be.

Comment on Still Struggling by dlvc

dlvc — Fri, 16 May 2008 14:21:16 +0000

I was thinking last night about what you wrote, and second the comments above about all of the pressures around what mothering is “supposed” to be like. Feel free to disregard any of this, but I was in almost exactly your shoes a year a half ago, and it took some time to learn the ropes.

It sounds like many of the frustrations you are having now are around nursing logistics. I was home with my daughter at just Mr. E’s age, but my wife was nursing her and doing the work/pump routine. My wife worked close by, and I’d had visions of blissful walks with the baby into the office to nurse mid-day. In reality, we all found that was just added frustration. The baby is hungry when it’s hungry and it was pure misery to wait that extra half hour either to get into the office (walk with screaming baby? not so blissful), or for my wife to get home. What ended up working was making sure we had a good freezer stash so that I could feel fine feeding when it was needed, and we wouldn’t have to freak out if she ate a few more ounces than were pumped that day (we were lucky not to have supply issues). My wife would sneak in an extra pumping after the baby went to bed to make up if we were off by a bit. If we manage to have another, I’ll also try to let go of my fear of the occasional formula bottle for sanity’s sake. My wife would have been fine with it, but I was dead set against it. Another thing that was helpful was to really treat bottle feedings as meaningful. I’d give her lots of skin to skin and cuddle time at feedings and it seemed to help her get through the day happily.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. It takes time to figure out how to get through the day with an infant, and it doesn’t sound like you’ve had a lot of solo practice. The parent’s personality and age of kid make a difference, too. Being home with a baby kind of drove my wife crazy, but I ate it up. Now that we have a toddler, the roles have shifted slightly (we each take a day home per week now). My wife can apparently read the same book 50 times, but the same thing sometimes makes me want to crawl out of my skin.

Comment on Still Struggling by s. k-c.

s. k-c. — Fri, 16 May 2008 00:39:49 +0000

I think that, even in this day and age of so many families with two parents who work full-time, there are a lot of pressures, particularly on women, about what being a mom is “supposed” to be. And it’s just not helpful. Not all parents are the same, and that is SO healthy. Wouldn’t it be strange and terribly boring for poor Mr. E if both you and E liked to do all of the same things with him? Or treated him in the exact same way? Part of the joy of having two parents is having different relationships with each, different special bonds with each, different ways of enjoying time together. Healthy, healthy, healthy. I do get it. I sometimes feel badly when other women go nutty about holding a baby. They just can’t help themselves whenever they’re near a little one. But not me. I want to be a parent. I want to be the parent of our baby. But I don’t have a lot of interest in other people’s babies if I’m not going to develop a relationship with them. If someone walks into the office with a baby I’ll see one time, I’ll smile and say “how cute” and appreciate the moment, but there is no urge for me to hold the baby. I used to feel badly about that. Like maybe I wasn’t nurturing enough or didn’t have that “motherly” instinct or that there was something else wrong with me because I’m not baby crazy. But I am realizing that it is ok, and good, to have my own way of relating. Anyone who has heard you talk about Mr E or who has seen you hold him could see immediately that you are already an amazing mother who could not love him more. And as you and he both grow, so will your relationship. You’ll figure out how the two of you fit best, and it will be just right… perfect in every way that matters to you and your son. xo

Comment on Aptly Named by s. k-c.

s. k-c. — Fri, 16 May 2008 00:23:51 +0000

HI A!! I miss you, and I missed your blog. I ditto all of the love and support that everyone, including my J, has shared. And I have to tell you, my jaw dropped and my hand flew to my mouth when you said that your m-i-l joined the church. I cannot believe that. I would be pissed. Seriously, you have a right to something that’s yours. I love her, too, but if it were me, I’d be ticked. Maybe she’ll get bored and stay home to watch Mr. E so you and your wife can go. Or maybe, at some point, you might feel comfortable enough to share some of your feelings, and she might just get it. She is a social worker after all. You and E are going through a lot, and you do need something that’s just yours. We’ll be down next weekend to bring our love and support. I know that technically we’re an extension of E’s family, but hopefully that just means that we can appreciate the craziness and empathize… And we can lend an ear, and a shoulder, and give you a great big hug! With love…

Comment on Aptly Named by Kate

Kate — Thu, 15 May 2008 06:12:23 +0000

Hi, I’ve been a faithful reader of your blog and two moms are better than one for over a year and a half and just want to reach out say hello and send some cyber support your way. Being a new mom is hard, it is even harder when your partner is the birth mom. I understand, I’ve been there. So many changes so fast would throw anyone in a ditch. I can feel the pain and fear of the unknown in your writing. You’re doing the right thing talking about your feelings.

Comment on Still Struggling by Lo

Lo — Wed, 14 May 2008 23:02:38 +0000

I’m with you, A. I’m looking forward to the summer when I get to play SAHM, but could I do it full-time? I don’t know. I need my life. I think you are a great parent who will give Mr. E much to look up to.

Comment on Still Struggling by Jude

Jude — Wed, 14 May 2008 15:44:39 +0000

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to be a stay-home parent. And there is nothing to feel guilty about, either. You love him and you want to parent him, and for you that parenting takes a different form than someone else. Nothing wrong with that, just like there is no one way to put a baby to sleep or feed a baby or play with a baby, there is no one way to raise a baby.

I love my kid and I actually DO like being home with her, but I wasn’t into the baby groups and whatnot. I liked our carefree days, but I’m not going to lie, I also like her being in childcare. I get so wrapped up in making sure we have Things To Do that I stress myself out, and that sucks.

But this isn’t about me. It’s about the fact that you don’t have to want to be a stay-home parent to love your kid. You are going to teach Mr. E about the world, and one thing you will teach him is that there are many different ways to be in the world and accomplish things. You will accomplish big things and Mr. E will see them, and you will accomplish small things and Mr. E will see them.

And you will love Mr. E and he will see that 100%.

Comment on Still Struggling by ohchicken

ohchicken — Wed, 14 May 2008 15:41:37 +0000

i really don’t find anything in this post to feel guilty about. sparky is not even here yet and i worry about feeling as you do when you’re alone w/ mr e all day. i don’t know of any assvice to give other than to hang in there, and you will definitely adjust. everything is transitional and not really yours right now. you’re living in a space where there isn’t a lot of alone time for you, you’re working a transitional job until YOUR job comes through. you don’t get to spend much time as a whole family together, and you’re adjusting to the needs of your baby. that’s all a bit harrowing, if you ask me.

i know that this uncomfortable time will pass. hang on. and don’t feel guilty. that’s unnecessarily spent energy

thank you for being so honest here.