Insomnia

Ok, I don’t really have insomnia, but it’s 4am and I’ve been awake since the last feeding at 1am.  Things that go on that prevent me from sleeping when this happens:

- I get too cold

- I get too hot

- I have to repeatedly scratch an insessant itch on my left shoulder blade

- I have to pee

- I feel like I have no space in the bed

- I need a drink of water

- Every possible sleeping position I try just feels WRONG

- After being awake so long, I’m STARVING

- As I’m finally relaxing, E. starts to snore

Why does this periodically happen?  And the irony is that while I’m tossing and turning, Mr. E.  is snoozing away beside me.  Go figure.

In Awe

It’s hard to describe how it feels the first week you have a new baby - the first week you become a mom. Things so far have been both wonderfully amazing and wonderfully hard. Things that are amazing: his sounds, his eyes, his involuntary half-smiles, times when I catch his eyes and he looks at me for a few seconds like he recognizes me. Things that are hard: dealing with his Jaundice - taking him for bloodwork every morning, becoming swiftly schooled on the difficulties of making medical decisions as a parent, the general worry of parenting a newborn.

I can’t believe he’s been with us a week already. I really don’t know where the time went - first our 3 grueling nights in the hospital, one without him, two with - and then the worry and stress of whether or not we’d be let home because of his Jaundice - it was the best news ever when they said we could go, and we avoided having to put him in the “light box” for who knows how long - and instead they sent us home with a contraption that wraps around his body and has him tethered to the box by a 4-foot hose. It has been hard for us both to see our perfect, sweet boy tied to this machine, and even harder to get the news each day that his count went up, and we can’t take him off yet. A first of many challenges as a parent, I’m sure - but I wasn’t expected it so soon.

ETA: Please, no advice about Jaundice - I’ve talked and read it to death, and at this point just want to focus on talking with our pediatrician on what we need to do. Thanks.

Hello World!

Our little guy.
So amazing.
More words when I can form them into coherent sentences.

So. in. love.

Endings and Beginnings

Friday was my last day of work. Tomorrow I start student teaching, a.k.a. road to completing my degree and jump-starting my new career path. Leaving my job after 3 years was such a strange and surreal thing, and I’m still processing it. Among the many conversations between E. and I about it this weekend, she said, “Well, now it will be SO MUCH EASIER to answer people when they ask what you do!” To which I responded, “well, not really until I get my first teaching job.” E. said, “Well, you are student teaching and a grad student!” Oh ya. People ACTUALLY go to school full-time and that’s just what they do. Not thrown in there in the margins of working full-time. I forgot about that.

Just when I think baby-nesting has commenced in our house, more projects emerge. E. is little-miss-Susie-sewer and is working on creating our own handmade burp cloths (oh, why don’t we just call them puke rags like they really are?) and wipes. I never thought I’d have homemade baby wipes, and if it wasn’t for E.’s patience and determination with a sewing machine I don’t think I would! Co-sleeper is attached to the bed. Bassinett has been brought downstairs to the living room. Today I flipped through the (”alternative families”) baby book and re-arranged and took out unnecessary pages (no need for the “my egg donor” page). The bottom drawer in the kitchen whose handle fell off a long time ago and left hazardous screws sticking out has been fixed. Seriously - this baby NEEDS TO SHOW UP ALREADY so I have some distractions from all this DAMN WORK!!

Anytime, Moon. Anytime…

Delayed Reaction

My cousin visited the other day, a rare occasion although we live a mere 30 minutes apart, albeit separated by the vast but unmentionable class and racial geographic boundary of this area. She came to drop off some of her homemade fudge and a small gift, and I was excited to see her after so long. We grew up together - are the same age and share our birthdays, but as adults seem to have little in common.

While we were visiting, E. and I were telling her about our troubles with our cat, Mr. Lou. She immediately began talking about her own situation with her cats (ah yes, a quality of hers I’d forgotten about), and how one of her cats had died and she discovered it, freaked out, and her boyfriend took care of it. She looked at the two of us, and asked, “If you discover your cat dead, who will take care of it?” I think we disregarded the question with our plan of the next time he gets sick, we are taking him in to put him down (plus the fact that I’ve hardly EVER heard of this happening to people!). Thus, since we know his illness so well by now, we won’t let him suffer to the point of death.

Later on I’m vacuuming and whirling around the house like a tornado, when I cut he power, turn to E. and explode into a stream of curse words including “What the F was THAT about? What, does she think we are SHORT A MAN around here, or something??!!” Holy delayed reaction! I had been festering about that one, quietly, for a couple hours (and perhaps the pre-parent jitters also had something to do with my sensitivity level…). My cousin also made a couple uncomfortable comments during her brief visit that painfully reminded me that she is not “all there” with being completely ok with us - or me - at least not in the way I’m used to. Another one happened after she saw a framed newspaper article from when E. and I got married, just after the court ruling, and she remarked, “The subtitle saying ‘Lesbian’ is kind of weird - almost used in a derogatory way.” Um, it really isn’t - perhaps the derogatory use of the word came out of her own head onto the page.

What a weird reminder. I literally live in the bubble of supportive friends, family, bloggers - that I completely forgot how strange (and possibly wrong) my life is to some people. How lucky I am to only have this brutal reminder once in a great while? I know so many others have to walk around with daily shields of defense.

It also sadly confirmed for me our distance to one-another. She’s lived with her boyfriend and their now 4-year-old child forever, and I’ve met her boyfriend maybe once, and he barely spoke to me. How do I know how he feels about me? I don’t have the energy to care anymore. I’ll see her occasionally, but I just don’t have the space in my personal life to put up with judgments*, not if I can help it. I’m luckily surrounded by a gazillion supportive and loving people, thank-you very much. And I certainly DON’T need any of this around our child.

It’s such a bummer when those you love disappoint you.

*While we’re on the topic, if you are reading this and you are not queer, please refrain, when your queer friend is talking about his/her family, from asking “are they ok with you/your partner?” If you do, I hope that person asks back, “Yes, and are YOUR parents ok with YOU?”

ETA: Note to self: Use as a springboard for an angsty post about the “inner dad.”

My Year of No Life/Full Life

2007. What a year. So many milestones, transitions, and multiple count-downs. But damn, I’m glad it’s over.

I started the year calling it my “year of no life,” as I signed up for full-time graduate school, attending 4 classes at a time on nights and weekends. It was a bit much at times, but I soon learned that I found THE BEST GRADUATE DEGREE ON EARTH, because, well, it wasn’t really that much work! (which led me to do some double-checking as to its credibility, which all checked out ok, but this recent scandal doesn’t help its reputation much). So I plowed through the excruciatingly boring and annoying 4-hour classes, and actually learned some things about teaching. All in all, it’s exactly what I wanted (thanks to E. who discovered the program!)

Career-wise, I spent the year knowing I would be leaving at the end, which is a really interesting mindset in which to go to work every day (and perhaps the longest notice I could give an employer!). I took that time to fully appreciate what I liked about this job in my 3 years here, and also solidified why I’m switching gears to go into teaching. Being able to volunteer regularly at an after-school program was such a blessing - to be able to connect with students and form a relationship with local schools.

I had the wonderful milestone of my 10-year high school reunion, and took a solo trip to my hometown to see close friends as well as classmates I hadn’t seen in the full 10 years. It was an amazing experience to re-connect with these people who shared a great 4 years together (we have some intense school pride), and it felt really cool in a growing-up-come-full-circle kinda way.

Then came the news in May that forever changed our lives, that our 2+ years of trying for project baby ACTUALLY WORKED. I think I was in shock for the first few months, and then I let it sink in how extremely happy I was to finally create our family. It also started to sink in how much our lives are about to change, and leaving 2007 means leaving the “just the 2 of us” portion of our lives together (6 years). It’s a big change, but one we are both so ready for, and going into it we know our incredible bond will get us through all the midnight crying, the dirty diapers, and the years of watching in awe as our child grows up into his/her own person.

Perhaps because of all these huge life changes, I also spent some introspective time thinking more about community, connecting and giving to others, and my own spirituality. This is still in process, of course, but one thing I discovered is a deep connection to a church on the Cape where we’ll be moving next June, which seems like it will be a starting point for all three needs.

Moving! Right! 2007 also brought with it the BIG DECISION to move closer to E.’s family, perhaps the first decision in my life which feels completely grounded in this visceral need to be connected to family and to provide that for our child(ren). In other words, I feel SO FREAK’IN GROWN UP. And that is a WHOLE LOT about what 2007 meant for me. BIG transitions, BIG decisions, and BIG growth.

There was a year that E. and I coin the “nothing” year. When we count back to try to remember something and we hit this year (2002), our minds just go blank. We figured out it’s because in that year we didn’t move, switch jobs, or make any BIG decisions. We just were. Day in, day out, just lived. I’m sure that 2007 will be just the opposite, a very BIG year that laid the groundwork for the whopper 2008 promises to be, what with arrival of BABY, the BIG MOVE, and work transitions abound.

Bring it on.

Wishing you new inspiration, hope and promise of a fantastic new year.

Baby Drunk

I don’t usually pull from my personal journaling for inspiration here, but this morning I woke up and wrote this, and thought it made sense to share here:

I feel utterly drunk with longing for our baby to be here.  I wake up early, and even though I’d love to drift back into peaceful sleep, my mind starts to wander into babyland and before I can stop it I’m picturing scenes like movie previews: Moon here, sleeping beside our bed, being breast-fed, changing her, clothing her, spending hours watching him sleep, which is all I feel like doing right now.  When the previews end, the main feature starts, and I plan our the day’s baby progress like I’m about to hop on a plane to Aruba - we’ll install the car seats - hooray!  we’ll tour the birthing center - finally! we’ll wash loads and loads of baby clothes, sheets and blankets - endless joy! How can I sleep when such excitement awaits me?

Drunk is exactly the word to describe this feeling, both because I never want it to end and I’m praying there’s no hangover.  This excitement and anticipation can’t last - surely I’ll stop springing out of bed once midnight feedings, changings and cryings begin.  But I do have this great sense that a very real and permanent excitement and joy is beginning and won’t stop ever - I’m becoming a parent.  I might not spring out of bed, ecstatic to be awake at 3:00am for the 3rd night in a row, but I’ll be getting out of bed to see her. him. our child. my baby.  In just a few short weeks I’ll be a mother - and from that day forward I’ll wake  up a mother - and have my heart walking (or crawling) around outside of me, as they say.  This is the intense joy and quiet wonder I’m surrounded with each morning I wake up, and several times throughout the day.  With it I skip to the car to install the seats, I smile as I fold what seems like the 60th onesie, I stay up later than I should, body hurting, to piece together the crib, the bassinet, or just touch the baby books, the toys, the bottles.  I want to lie down in a pool of all things baby - all of these objects our child will touch - will need - so very soon.

I place my hands on E’s belly and feel the strong and massive movements, kicks, hiccups.  I bend down and talk directly to him with my baby voice - and when I place my lips on her skin to plant a kiss - I feel I’m kissing my child - our child.  I breathe in while I’m there and swear I smell that baby smell - so unmistakably sweet and wonderful.  My baby.  Our baby.  Coming soon.  Coming finally.

During which I’ll eat a lot, drink a lot, and answer lots of questions about my career status

Happy Solstice!

Friday is FINALLY here, and I’m so happy to stop pretending to work to have 11 days off in a row before my final 3 days of work.  We’re schlepping two car loads of stuff to E.’s parent’s house, including our kayaks, to continue getting a jump on our June move.  Will we always be this prepared and organized after we have a child?  Time will tell.

E. is having a hard time being pregnant these days, and I feel so powerless to offer any help.  I can’t help her sleep, I can’t stop the crampy BH contractions, and I can’t make the baby stop kicking her at all hours of the day and night.  I guess that’s why I continue to do what I do - keep the stuff moving on out of our place (donating approximately 80 books today) and keeping on top of other errands.  I will be happy when we are both sitting, feet-up, during Christmas with nothing to do but relax.

I watched the Order of the Phoenix last night and oh my lord, if there was ever a doubt to my HP obsession it’s gone now.  LOVED that film.  I can’t believe I have to wait until November 2008 for the next one, and I might just have to drag my lazy, cheap a*s to the theater to watch it.  I’m currently trying to fill the HP literary void by seeking out other children’s fantasy series books, and currently have the first of two checked out: The Spiderwick Chronicles and A Series of Unfortunate Events.  I’ve also gathered that The Golden Compass is good, and that’s next on my list.  Any other suggestions?  Alas, I think I have to accept the fact that the HP shoes are just too large and too great to be filled.

Happy holidays to everyone - relax, eat, drink and be merry.

Goodbyes

Today was my last day at the after school program I’ve been volunteering at once a week for a year.  I am glad to be moving onto student teaching, but am really sad that I won’t see these kids every week.  It couldn’t have been a better, more well-rounded day.  I helped one of my favorite kids with her homework - ah, rules of phonics, how I love thee.  I played games with a few other kids, realizing Connect Four is much more involved than it appears on the surface.  I even got to apply a band-aid to the finger of perhaps the cutest kindergartener I’ve ever met, who got a paper cut and was trying to decide how much of a big deal it was to her.  I think I prefer teaching the older kids, but I do love the moments where I can play “mom” to the young’ins.  SO. DAMN. CUTE.

A third grade girl who I don’t interact with much made me a card saying goodbye.  When the director of the program told her I would become a mom soon, and I followed up with “my wife is going to have a baby,” I watched as the wheels in her little brain strained to comprehend exactly what that meant.  Hey - at 8 years old I would have a hard time with that riddle!  This has happened several times at the program, and I think I’m getting better at anticipating their confusion and disbelief that this person who just played a round of “Go Fish” with them is married to a woman.   It shakes up their assumptions and possibly everything they thought they knew about the order of things, but I guess that’s what we all do when we really get to know each other.  I’ve found that kids understand it all the best.

Stillness

I love the stillness in the air before a snowstorm.  It happened today, and I happily watched as the first few flakes came floating down.  The college closed at noon, and it’s snowing heavily now.  I’m in my own little stillness before the storm.  E. is napping, and I’m sitting cozily and going through all our baby clothes, removing tags and washing them.  I’m trying to picture our little one, our Moon, inside each one.  I have definitely entered a new phase of grasping how soon our Moon will be with us.

Yae for two other moms who’s little one just arrived.