Dreams

22 05 2007

I’ve been having some bad dreams.  I do not like them.

I had the first one just a few days we found out E. was pregnant.  In the dream it was early morning, and I woke up to the sound of someone furiously trying to break into our apartment.  I tried to get up, but my eyes felt glued shut and I couldn’t jolt myself out of my slumber.  I felt E. jump out of bed, go downstairs and peak out the window near the door.  I heard her say that it was a student, and he looked all bloody.  I remember thinking, “Don’t let him in!” and tried desperately to get up, to no avail.  I worried the student was crazed, was going to hurt E. and then make his way upstairs to me, where I lay helpless in bed.  I heard her open the door to let him in.  I forced myself to wake up.

A couple days ago, I dreamt E. and I were sitting somewhere with some random guy, a guy who was clearly coming on to E.  When he got up to leave, I watched in horror as he came over and kissed her cheek, then kissed her on the mouth.  She seemed to enjoy it.  I was enraged with jealousy.

What is up with these dreams?  The first one seems hit-you-over-the-head obvious about my worry about E.’s safety – it feels odd to suddenly have this protective part of me.  I do remember thinking more about her physical well-being in the first few days after we found out, but I think the bulk of my worry is surfacing through dreams instead of in real life.  I have had some moments, though: at graduation last week I wandered off to take a walk around to avoid the boredom of the speakers, and returned to our spot where E. had found a chair and was the only one in our group sitting.  I started worrying: did she start feeling sick?  I had taken our bag of water and snacks with me – I should have left them!  I checked in with her when I got back and she was fine – just felt like sitting.  Am I going to be like this through the entire pregnancy??

The second one is less easy for me to deal with – not too sure what that was about.  The obvious main feeling was jealousy, which I don’t think I am usually plagued by.  Was it some deep-seeded hetero-normative scenario playing out in my sleep?  Am I secretly afraid that E. will leave me and raise the baby with some guy?  I don’t really think so – sometimes dreams are just plain strange, I think that’s more the case with this one.  Or, let’s hope…

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3 responses

22 05 2007
jennifer

So…..let’s see if this helps…

Speaking from experience the protective feelings don’t go away. I have them – have always had a sort of protective streak towards Jude because I love her and everything – but when we found out she was pregnant and I was still commuting to W. Mass and she was still in the big Dot I was constantly plagued by worried and bad bad dreams….it made me cranky and didn’t help anyone – but you just gotta deal…
When everything went down i was so overcome by that helplessness that you sometimes feel when you can do nothing but watch the world come crashing in. Now I am super protective of the baby – of our little girl and of Jude. I don’t think this is a bad thing for anyone except maybe Jude who is still the competent independent and strong person she is. I am working to temper it. But she and the baby are the most important parts of my world. More so than my art or my job or anything else. It’s stunning to contemplate.

As for the jealousy thing – I can take a crack at it. Eryn and your baby mean so much to you that is so much more than can ever really be articulated. You had a nightmare and that nightmare pulled forth a fear that doesn’t need to be rationalized by how you don’t think you are going to lose Eryn to some random guy right in front of you so you shouldn’t be disturbed by it…

You fear the loss of something so precious to you and that is just another facet of the same feelings you felt in the other dream. It doesn’t have to be loss through danger or violence…it would hurt just as sharply either way.

The dreams are hard – and I wish you well. I think I can understand a bit from my own experience with the whole “OMG we are PREGNANT” deal.

I had and have lots of very disturbing waking up in a cold sweat or with a gasp nightmares that center around something ruining my very precious and perhaps fragile world. So at the very least I offer you commiseration!

23 05 2007
Jude

Personally I think your man dream came right out of my mother-in-law’s head. Honestly. Didn’t we spend all of that time talking about how she asked me 20 different ways all about “What if you meet a man and you want to be with him and you leave Jen and ….. ?” Maybe you and my MIL should hang out. Trust me, the dreams would stop. 😉

xo

27 07 2009
Lori

Not really up on the meaning of dreams, but I’ll give it a go. My girlfriend and I are beginning to entertain the idea of having a child after being together for 5 years. One of the things she is having the hardest time with is that it can’t both be ours, biologically. We’ve discussed possible approaches to this. Getting back to your dream… Maybe it’s an underlying issue with having the sperm donor (some random guy) have this biological tie to your son that you don’t have. I cringe at saying it but it’s something that we’re thinking about, “how often will this come up in our minds?” I don’t think it would bother me, as in how much love I would have for this child, but would it bother me to know this guy has something that I can’t have to my.own.child?

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