Aptly Named

9 05 2008

Since I haven’t posted anything on here since March, and it is now May, it might be obvious that I was thinking of abandoning my dear Fumbling. Indeed, I did abandon it, and you all (all 3 of you who actually read it), until now. What can I say for myself?

I was fumbling.

Fumbling around trying to just hang on with everything going on – finished up my student teaching and began staying at home with Mr. E. I had high hopes that I would post even more often once that change occurred, picturing myself cozily seated on the couch with Skeeter while the little lad slept the day through.

(All you stay-at-home moms can commence hysterical laughter now).

Uh, I was kinda busy. Like, CONSTANTLY busy and when he slept I GOT STUFF DONE because when he was awake he required ALL OF MY BEING. When I had a brake, I sat and gazed at the computer screen or TV.

Uh, I watch A LOT of TV now.

(All you stay-at-home-moms can commence your enthusiastic “uh-huhs” now).

Then, well, I just felt drained with the blog thing. Believe it or not, my life just felt too full to add blogging to it. Well, I guess that’s not quite true, since I’ve become somewhat of a F*ace*book addict, but I digress…

So, then came the BIG MOVE, which JUST HAD to occur right after my mom visited, which JUST HAD to occur right after her first chemo treatment, which she got sick from during her visit. In the midst of all our belongings packed up in boxes throughout the house. I thought she’d be there to help take care of Mr. E while we finished packing. Instead I had to take care of her. A lot. As in, had to drive to Maine to bring her home because she was sick. The DAY BEFORE our move.

We were both in a sh*tload of denial about that one.

So I was leaving a place I love, being a reluctant stay-at-home mom (more on that later I suppose), getting ready to give up having our own place, and dealing with my sick mom, who couldn’t even hold her grandson during her visit. It was all I could do to cope day-to-day and get everything done, and when I’m stressed like that I usually turn inward instead of outward.

I’m learning I need not to do this.

Same thing has been happening the past few days. We moved, and it was completely exhausting and stressful beyond belief, and until I started my summer job I was having a rough time with the lack of structure. Once I started having a place to go that was JUST MINE, even if it meant grilling up steak and cheeses, it was something. But the deli is VERY cliquish, with my co-workers 20 years older than me and native Cape Codders, and think nothing of making gay jokes right in front of me. They’ve never known anything different. They talk openly about going out on Saturdays together dancing at the local bar, without a thought to ask me (I wouldn’t go anyway). But we are of two different species: me, just washed ashore, young, queer, with my M.Ed and this deli gig just a stop on the way. Them: this is their life, period.

I just really, really want to teach.

I know it’s early, and I know it’ll happen for me eventually. But last night the faces of my kids from student teaching flashed before my eyes and I just cried. I miss them. I miss doing what I love. I CAN’T WAIT to do what I love. Sometimes it’s just hard.

Getting used to life in our new community has been both exciting and frustrating. It’s gorgeous here – things are blooming, and I LOVE our church. Even before we moved here I claimed it as my/our place to connect with this community and make our own friends. E. has lots of family, and her family has lots of friends, but as for us having our OWN friends, it comes down to nil. I thought the church community would be a great way to meet people. Last week we officially joined.

So did my mother-in-law.

Ok, I’ve REALLY tried to be open-minded and understanding about this. Obviously anyone can join or attend whatever church they wish. But I started attending this church last fall, and felt at home there. She recently learned we were joining, and wanted to join too. I think she likes it ok, but has attended just a couple of times. Let me explain. She’s the type of person that likes to join ANYTHING. There’s a famous family story that she once saw a huge line somewhere and got in it just to see what all the fuss was about. In short, she’s a JOINER.

Whatever. I can still make my own friends and get involved in my own way. But put all these things together, and I’ve been feeling a bit down lately. I found myself turning inward again, not wanting to deal with anyone, even E. Thankfully, my wife is quite observant and patient, and made me talk about it. I felt so much better. We decided that since we live with her parents, and don’t really have our own social network yet, we really have to make time for just us – either the three of us, or the two of us. I think that will really make a difference. I’m realizing I need to talk things out with her instead of retreating.

I’m also remembering I don’t do well with big transitions.

A similar experience happened when we moved to the Valley. I think I was mildly depressed for months (might have had to do with the fact that we were completely broke as well). But I’m just a stable gal – I like knowing what’s ahead – a loooong way ahead: where we live, where I work, etc. Being with E. has helped me relax a bit in this area in very healthy ways, but to some extent it’s just the way I am.

So perhaps this transition will be hard for me for some time. I think blogging about it might help, too.

Thanks for reading, whoever you 3 readers are. ๐Ÿ™‚

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10 responses

9 05 2008
maeby

Still here, still reading ๐Ÿ™‚ While I haven’t had to undertake all of those stressful things at once, I can certainly empathize with many of them on an individual basis. Give yourself a pat on the back for managing to get through ALL of them, pretty much at the same time. I hope that things will start to settle into a routine, allowing you to feel a little bit more relaxed & focus on all of the good things. Sometimes being overwhelmed has a way of obscuring what those good things are. Hang in there!

9 05 2008
j

xoxo

And, we’re like, much closer to you now, even if you just want a day trip away.

10 05 2008
ohchicken

i’m still reading too. and hoping that peace and structure and friends surround you very soon. i am SO with you about being rough with transitions. i’m trying so hard to be mindful with this one, but it’s simply hard.

you will teach soon. i’m sure of it.

x

10 05 2008
j. k-c.

Oh A — I am glad to hear from you. You have had lots of MAJOR transitions in your life over the past several months and I think that would be hard on anyone. I’m glad that you are connecting with E and trying to take care of yourself. You are on your way to the stability you crave. And there are many of us supporting and loving you!

10 05 2008
Jude

Five readers! ๐Ÿ™‚

Seriously, I hope things turn around for you soon. I wish we’d been able to get together before you left. I would have helped with Mr. E while you packed.

11 05 2008
mylesbianlife

Six! ๐Ÿ˜‰

I missed you, funny how we were on sort of the same wavelength. I agree with J k-c Sending you support and love! And Humor!

12 05 2008
dolly

Yay, you’re back!

Hehe…I cannot relate more to your impulse to retreat inside yourself when it comes to big transitions and stress. I’m glad to hear you’re talking things out with E. instead of holding it all inside.

Here’s my advice as a longtime transition-hater who constantly forces herself to make transitions. Don’t fight your feelings, but keep telling yourself that they are temporary. After a few months (and once you get a teaching job, which you WILL), things will start to feel better and more normal. And once you finish out your first year, you will finally start feeling settled and at home. Just know these things take time, take care of yourself, and keep talking to E.

Oh, and come visit Georgia. ๐Ÿ™‚

13 05 2008
Lo

I’m number 8. ๐Ÿ˜‰
That stuff sounds really, really tough. And moving to E’s space…I can see why that would be so hard.

I’m glad you two talked about it, and I’m glad you’re going to make time for you two/three. Maybe you could think about having some time for just you, to explore your new neck of the woods? (Just a thought. Don’t know when I’d do it….)

15 05 2008
Kate

Hi, I’ve been a faithful reader of your blog and two moms are better than one for over a year and a half and just want to reach out say hello and send some cyber support your way. Being a new mom is hard, it is even harder when your partner is the birth mom. I understand, I’ve been there. So many changes so fast would throw anyone in a ditch. I can feel the pain and fear of the unknown in your writing. You’re doing the right thing talking about your feelings.

15 05 2008
s. k-c.

HI A!! I miss you, and I missed your blog. I ditto all of the love and support that everyone, including my J, has shared. And I have to tell you, my jaw dropped and my hand flew to my mouth when you said that your m-i-l joined the church. I cannot believe that. I would be pissed. Seriously, you have a right to something that’s yours. I love her, too, but if it were me, I’d be ticked. Maybe she’ll get bored and stay home to watch Mr. E so you and your wife can go. Or maybe, at some point, you might feel comfortable enough to share some of your feelings, and she might just get it. She is a social worker after all. You and E are going through a lot, and you do need something that’s just yours. We’ll be down next weekend to bring our love and support. I know that technically we’re an extension of E’s family, but hopefully that just means that we can appreciate the craziness and empathize… And we can lend an ear, and a shoulder, and give you a great big hug! With love…

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