19 11 2007

Today marks my 1-year blogaversary.  Yup – one year ago today I embarked on this journey for no particular reason at all other then I like putting words on paper (or screens), and, let’s be honest, all the cool kids were doing it.

Or more accurately, my wife was doing it, and either because I thought it looked fun or the fact that we are certifiably co-dependent, I started one too.  To be honest, I wasn’t sure how long it would last.  It quickly seemed impossible to have that many topics I’d be willing to share with the web, even if my readers didn’t know me personally.  I think there were some moments when I considered just bagging the whole thing when I got lazy about posting – but then I’d switch to some new Blo*gger theme, add links, and I’d get all excited about it again.  I’m a bit obsessive about how things look, and so switching to Word*press was when I felt like this blogging thing was for real.

I had some trouble at first figuring out why on earth I would have a blog.  E.’s blog had a purpose, and it quickly became apparent that so many other bloggers out there had the same one (hi friends!) – sharing information and supporting each other along the journey of trying to conceive.   But what would mine be about?  I knew I didn’t want it to solely focus on TTC, or becoming a parent, because I’m obsessively balanced and parenting is just one part of my life, albeit a pretty big one at the moment.  So I decided I’d open it up to talking about anything and everything – and realized that a lot of other bloggers do this, too.

So I found a common thread, or theme, if you will – to describe my approach to life and navigating through it all, thus Fumbling on Track.  I’m still fumbling around trying to figure it all out, but I’ve got great supports, a stupendous wife and partner, and I do feel as though I’m on the right track to refining my values, goals, and dreams.  And I have found some great connections online – mostly with the TTC process through E.’s blog.  I don’t even think I realized people could (or would) comment on blogs when I started.  Now we have an entire community spanning multiple countries who all support and give to one another.  It’s pretty amazing.

I still think my blogging is more for me than anyone else.  I thrive on writing out my thoughts and engaging in dialogue about them.   If I can make people laugh, all the better.  If I can prompt people to think, I’m even happier.  All in all I like the discussion, the back-and-forth, the conversation and connecting to people through wires that completely crashes the theory that technology has pushed people apart.  From my view, it’s only brought them closer together.


9 Silent Days

11 05 2007

I think my online silence on the TTC (trying to conceive) front is directly linked to the ridiculous belief that if I ignore it, it will surprise me by working.  The truth is, during the two-week-wait it’s on my mind every. second. of. every. day.

If I’m completely honest with myself, not writing about it feels like lying.

And I’m usually such an honest person.

If I’m honest, I’d say that equal parts of my brain thinks that it worked, and that it didn’t work, all at the same time, those two thoughts there congealing in my head in what can only be called complete insanity.

If I’m honest, I’d say that I thought seeing babies EVERYWHERE was only a phase at the beginning of this journey.  They’ve only multiplied, and I’ve only had to reconcile my deep unmet desire with the joys of (and for) others. I still don’t quite know how to do this.

If I’m honest, I’d say that even from the minute we inseminate each time I’m already thinking of names, of the possible month the baby will be born, of what we will do for childcare, and all other completely irrelevant and mundane details.  Perhaps focusing on the details of time and space gives me some sense of control over a frustratingly random phenomenon.

If I’m honest, I’d say that equal parts of my will wants to throw in the towel and give up hope of having children at all, that even with all options layed before us I want to choose drinking martini’s at the bar with friends after work instead. The other part will do anything to have a family of our own, no matter what form it takes.  I’m beginning to have the sneaking suspicion that these two selves will live inside of me forever, no matter which reality turns out to be true.

Or perhaps the “martini” self exists purely for insurance purposes, masking my absolute wish to be a parent with a safety net of an alternate personality I can comfortably wear, but it’s not my first choice.

If I’m honest, I’d admit this trade-off, this pre-emptive sacrifice of what I so deeply want with what might be my fate is what makes me want to scream my frustration from rooftops and then look fate in the face and simply ask, “why?”

Room for Hope

27 04 2007

I’m preoccupied lately with what I am feeling/what I should be feeling in terms of TTC this month. Seeing E’s multiple follies left me elated and filled with so much hope. As I starred into the screen behind Wander Woman, for a minute I could actually visualize the egg receiving the sperm and becoming a fetus. Then a fetus growing in E’s tummy. Then us having a baby.

I’ve been feeling the baby vibe big time lately. I’ve been looking at all your baby pics out there in baby blogland and simply melting at the site of them. I’m not feeling a frustrated, longing wish to have a baby, but more of a spiritual tugging at the will of the universe to bring one to us. I think this is hope.

Once I allow myself to fully feel hope, I immediately put up a warning sign within myself – a sort of “do not enter” sign to my heart. This does not make me happy. I don’t like stopping at the open door, peering in but not able to fully enter the room. I know I’ve touched on this dilemma before, but I guess I’m not done flushing it all out.

I looked up the meaning of hope and found this. I like these excerpts:

Hope is a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one’s life. Hope implies a certain amount of perseverance — i.e., believing that a positive outcome is possible even when there is some evidence to the contrary. Beyond the basic definition, usage of the term hope follows some basic patterns which distinguish its usage from related terms:

  • Hopefulness is somewhat different from optimism in that hope is an emotional state, whereas optimism is a conclusion reached through a deliberate thought pattern that leads to a positive attitude. But hope and optimism both can be based in unrealistic belief, or fantasy.
  • Hope is often the result of faith in that while hope is an emotion, faith carries a divinely inspired and informed form of positive belief. Hope is typically contrasted with despair, but despair may also refer to a crisis of faith, or otherwise an ignorance thereof. Hence, when used in a religious context, hope carries a connotation being aware of spiritual truth. (In some religions, despair itself is considered to be a sin; see Hope (virtue)).
  • In Catholic theology, hope is one of the three theological virtues (faith, hope, and charity), which are spiritual gifts of God. In contrast to the above, it is not a physical emotion but a spiritual grace.”

This clears it up for me a bit. Throughout the waiting, the disappointments, the breaks, the frustrations, I continue to have hope. I possess it somewhere deep inside, like a well that refuses to dry up. I expect to look down and find it empty, and expect myself to want to give up. I am surprised to find my hope has only increased with time. For me, it is a spiritual grace. I do not know where it comes from, only that I feel it and it holds me like a tight safety net, pulls me forward like a strong rope. I do not know where it comes from, and it continues to exist despite evidence and experience that it should not. For these reasons, it is a spiritual presence I am eternally grateful for.

I’ve decided to work on fully entering that room despite the fear that what I hope for will not come.

On Demanding and Exhilarating Transitions

25 04 2007

My horoscope for this coming week:


Taurus Horoscope for week of April 26, 2007

One of the most demanding and exhilarating transitions of 2007 is coming. Here are five tips to help you get maximum enjoyment out of it.

(1) Be an early adapter, a quick study, and a resilient improviser.

(2) Hang out in places where things are just beginning.

(3) Intensify your commitment to the lessons that spontaneity can bring.

(4) Be a specialist in uprisings and breakthroughs.

(5) Give your generous attention to influences that are pure, innocent, and buoyant.


Right about this time, when we are gearing up for our next insemination, the hope starts to set in once again. I start grasping for signs, reasons, justifications that this will be the one to work. My mind starts running with irrational thoughts like, “which room will we turn into the baby’s room?” and “what will we do about childcare?” In short, I go completely insane.


So much so that I read WAY too much into crazy, off-the-wall online horoscopes. If Brezsney is right, I’m about to have a demanding and exhilarating transition – one of my biggest in 2007. Perhaps a pregnancy? If so, thanks to my horoscope I’ll know how to start preparing. As for #2 – I already have some plans to hang out where things are just beginning.


Of course, I also applied online for a local teaching job this morning, so that would also require me to be a “quick study.” Although I’d love for this to work out, I’d take the new baby over the new job anyday. 🙂


As an ode to things ENDING, I’m finally preparing to attend my last classes of this semester. To say I’m elated would be an understatement. I’m convinced that one does not know the value of free time unless one is preparing to enter a break from school. How glorious.


Thinking hopeful, exhilaratingly-transitional thoughts…

up too late…

31 03 2007

and tired. and had a couple glasses of wine. thus, this fabulous piece of reading made me laugh my ass off.

i think it an especially good read for those of us ttc to gain some perspective on just what the hell we are trying do do here.

bon soir.

OPP (Other People’s Pregnancy’s)

19 03 2007

Is jealousy an official sin?

Is that why I feel guilty for how I feel toward OPP’s? (read: left-over Catholic guilt)

It’s finally hit me, dammit. OPP’s haven’t really affected me the way they appear to affect others. I’ve always stayed true to the line of “their pregnancy has nothing to do with me – why should their experience alter my feelings about my life?” Oh, for those days to return…

Sister-in law and two co-workers (at the SAME TIME) later, it’s starting to affect me in ways I’m still trying to ignore. I really tried at first – got excited at the news, asked how they were doing, what is the sex, etc. But lately I’ve found I have no empathetic energy to engage with them anymore. For this I feel tremendously horrible and guilty.

What is this about? Does it all come down to jelousy? I want something so badly, have worked hard to get it for over 2 years (though not as hard as my wife, of course), and the three mentioned above have had “oops” pregnancies. I feel like I’d be a “bigger person” if I could put my frustration (and jealousy) beside and felt genuinely happy for them.

But in a way, I do. It’s not that I hate them for being pregnant. It’s just – complicated. To further complicate things, I do not have these feelings for those who have had similar struggles and are now pregnant. I really get why this online community is so important to all of us.

I still don’t know what this feeling is all about. All I know is that I don’t like it. It feels icky and gross and just wrong all-over (for me – no judgement whatsoever toward those who feel it too).

My current goal is to work through it at least a little bit before the baby shower in a few weeks.

TTC folks – any thoughts?

Miss Teacher

9 03 2007

I just got home from observing a local 4th grade class – and had a complete blast. The kids were great, the teacher was amazing, and man am I tired. No wonder the day has to end at 3:00!

Of all the million things I’ve been pondering about becoming a teacher, one particular thing keeps nagging at me and won’t go away: the “Miss Teacher” label. As in – students do NOT call anyone by their first name. So – of course I would pick “Ms.” but I quickly learned that 9-year old mouths simply revert to “Miss” no matter how much you emphasize the “Z.” An intern in the class today told me that when she substituted once when she was 18, they tried calling her “Mrs.” HA! I REALLY could not handle that one!

It’s just odd that we have such an aversion to having children know us by our first names. Is it really that necessary in order to foster respect, as I’ve heard some argue? I wonder if students would view teachers differently if they were called by their first name?

Either way, I had a great time and can’t wait to do more observation hours. Makes me anxious to do my student teaching – where I’ll get to be in the classroom all day and really get to know the kids, but not have complete responsibility for them yet.

I’m glad I have all of this to distract me from the tww. Even so, I always feel like a crazy person in the tww. I think I always will. Hopefully, though, this will be the last.